Attachments

I met with my therapist today and we spoke about identities and attachments.

I have several identities: father, boyfriend, widower, buddy, triathlete, computer programmer, teacher, mentor. With identities can come attachments. To describe attachments, she directed me to this quote:

Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.

David Foster Wallace

I’m no expert on identity and attachment theory by any stretch of the imagination, but what we talked about resonated with me in several ways.

Nearly four years ago, I announced I’m training for an Ironman. I joined a team and started working with Coach Robbie Bruce. I was deeply invested in my training and my goal to complete the 2017 Ironman Wisconsin. I loved every minute of it, the preparation, the buildup, the travel, and everything about the race. It was a perfect day.

So I signed up for another Ironman in 2018. And another in 2019. But it wasn’t quite the same. I wasn’t able to capture that same magic. I had taken on new responsibilities in other areas of my life—my girlfriend, a new job, career commitments—not to mention the growing challenges of raising a toddler.

I naively expected that my triathlon performance would simply continue on the upward trend and I was disappointed. My thinking went something like this: “I’m triathlete and, as a triathlete, I have to be training for an Ironman because if I’m not training for an Ironman, how can I call myself a triathlete?” That’s attachment.

Now I’m trying to work on a new perspective. I still have Ironman at the back of my mind: some day I’ll be in a good place to have a proper buildup to another great full distance performance. But for now, that’s in the distant future, not on the calendar. For now, I’m ok with letting go with the Ironman dream. I can still be a triathlete without that.

Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash